Berlin is a terrible, terrible place. I mean, A) it’s full of young people, B) the subway is bloody everywhere and C) I’m getting really tired of partying in giant abandoned factories. These are my 7 reasons why you should never go to Berlin.
#1. It’s Full of Weird Markets
Berlin’s famous markets are still going.
The classic Maurpark Flea Market is full of all the tat you’d expect.
It’s especially good if you desire loads of Nutcrackers,
…or indeed any of this cack.
Classic Berlin. How about a load of records that nobody can play anymore from Boxhagener Platz?
Or who’d want homemade jewellery at Fehrbelliner Platz?
Or just loads of camera parts at the Nowkoelln Flowmarkt.
#2. Terrible Take Away Food
Ah Currywurst, you truly are the the wurst drunken indulgence. Even worst than that pun. (Sorry/Not sorry).
Quite where the curry comes in I don’t know. But you can’t possibly want bread, chips, high quality German sausage, homemade ketchup covered in curry powder, can you?
Still though, who is putting veg in this? Heathens.
#3. The themeparks abandoned for no apparent reason
They abandoned their dinosaur-themed amusement park? A disgrace, no self-respecting population would ever do that.
Okay, so you can run around it taking cool pictures.
#4. SO MUCH LAGER..!
If you want a proper beer, some ale maybe, a decent pint of stout, well you’re touch out of luck.
Alright, we may have made that up a bit. (This article is very hard to write you know).
The country has the Reinheitsgebot, or ‘German Beer Purity Law’ which means you at least know what you’re getting. It’s the oldest food standard regulation in the world.
They do actually have plenty of wheat beer and dark options, including bocks.
Also, there’s Berliner Weisse, a weaker kind of wheat beer with protected EU status. Berlin used to have 50 breweries for this but now there’s only two.
Two too many I say.
Finally, they do have unfiltered, ‘cellerbeer’. Kellerbiers are unfiltered lagers similar to a cask ale and usually around 5% abv.
#5. Weird Museums everywhere!
The city actually has an island for museums, to make it easy to avoid. Which is helpful.
If you do find yourself magnetically pulled into some of their stranger institutions why not try:
The Ramones Museum
Yep, it’s weird, Dee Dee, Marky, Joey, Titch and the other ones are all well represented with over 500 bits of memorabilia.
It’s also a pub, of course.
Thank god somebody is celebrating the history of East Germany. It’s about time.
If you really need to chill out in a DDR living room or kitchen or bathroom. Be our guest.
There are even covert listening devices in there. To give you that warm fuzzy feeling of being looked after, of being watched.
The Museum der Dinge
The eclectic museum of 20th century design at Oranienstrasse is full of toys and tables and weird 70s TVs.
And porcelain boobs.
If that’s not your bad, then there’s always the museum of typeface.
We all love a good 5ft letter but not as much as the founders of the Buchstabenmuseum, or Museum of Letters, Characters and Typefaces.
I know you’re into this, so lets have a few more.
#6 They’re still into Karaoke
And not just a bit.
The Bearpit karaoke sessions in Mauerpark on Sunday afternoons offer an en masse Roman amphitheatre-style event, attended by hundreds.
It’s designed to have a supportive atmosphere, with the huge crowds usually on your side.
#7. You can’t get into the Nightclubs!
Look, when you can literally live in a nightclub for the weekend it’s not surprising.
However, the Berghain is bloody impossible to get inside. A three hour queue often ends in rejection, for any conceivable reason.
Although, once you know that, why not just chalk it up as part of the experience?
What the Nightclub actually promises is mixed. There are the well-publicised stories of rooms for sex, and a rather intense gay club as an annex. (Where you are asked to strip and place your clothes in a bag).
Doesn’t look like much from the outside, does it?
If you’re stuck going to Berlin for your Erasmus year (poor you) then you can check out our Berlin blogs for more info on how to make it tolerable.
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